For all the pain in the universe, and even our own, from time to time, there is a window of happiness, and perhaps love. Closing it won’t end the pain, it just keeps out the love. Even knowing that, why is it so hard, to open that window again?
May your pain and anguish have come to a place where you can be at peace with them, and have learned to love again. We do not forget those we loved, or who we were when we did so. Perhaps that is the greatest pain of all.